The thought of having to spend the little money I have to defend myself against a frivolous lawsuit is killing me. I truly hope in 2018, I can have a clear mind and an open heart. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. It matters. I identified with your feelings of sadness many years after divorce. Not only would they not understand, but they would wonder if it all was just for revenge. I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. At times one may not be the person who was intending to break the marriage, and if it came from your partner, then it becomes tough to overcome the grief, are you still in pain 10 years later? I trust in God to get me through until the end. Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. And sadness. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. I used to pray (if you can consider chain smoking outside your apt. Wow. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. My goals and dreams have suffered. Its a terrible gnawing that can be pushed to the far back but doesnt seem to go away. I certainly dont want someone back in my life who is capable of causing such sorrow in others and not giving a damn, but it feels like part of the family is missing. Im just so broken. Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. Most likely, it is because the couples still have the pain of past marriage. I have learned to livewith thepain but have not found many people that understand. Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit childrens homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. I had an amicable split, ex was unhappy & I miss him & the good times and I Harbor so much guilt for not being the wife I should've been. a loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed and hobbies. I tried dating at first to replace her and I could not I love her to much . There are several factors that may contribute to the sadness that is coming up for you post-divorce, including how tied your identity is to your ex-partner and whether you've allowed yourself to fully grieve. I struggle through. I have tried to console myself by saying, "leaving my ex was the most compassionate thing I could do since he deserved to be desired by someone". He sat in our porch the week before he left, sobbing. I only ever did what I thought was best for my children at the time, but guess that wasnt enough. Thank you again for sharing your stories. Ive been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. But if a marriage is in shambles, then its better for it to be called off than to remain in pain and hurts for the rest of your life. I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. I see my family, our friends, most couples I know retiring together, doing life together, enjoying grandchildren together, but everything we do, well its not the same. Claiming benefits on your ex-spouse triggers what is known as a spousal benefit, which is worth a maximum of 50% of the retirement . Yes, even the not wanting to date after a divorce. You dont need to be friends with her but, you need to develop new friends and start enjoying your life. This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later. "@type": "Answer", Excellent article. I come from a large family and all the memories of my wife are with them. Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom. crying spells. But the pain never goes away . with some cranberry vodka and talking outloud praying) for my ex to come back to me not to BE with me but to apologize and clarify why he truly left. That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. Now my one son and his fianc are choosing the dads side and have minimal contact with my older son, my husband and myself. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. If you are enduring your marriage, there is nothing much to do but file for a divorce.It can be said that the end of a marriage is always a difficult time you don't want to go through alone. 6-12 years. Its a good thing too, for if I hadnt I know what I feel now would be far worse. I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. I am not ready for such a step, nor do I believe I ever will be. Its been more than a dozen years, but the fact of my divorce, the speed with which the marriage unraveled, the ease with which my spouse moved on, the tumultuous aftermath that dragged on for a decade, the onslaught of related losses All of it still hurts. I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo. As in, you might finally be legally divorced. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. I know it is possible to lose conscious contact with that inner peace and love, and I know how tempting it is to think that our love walked away when we parted ways with our dream mate - but if you perpetuate this delusion you cause yourself much more pain.One of the best tools for moving on and letting go of past traumas, regrets, losses and so on - is Meridian Tapping/EFT. Dwelling on what you should have done. Divorce is hard on everyone. Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. Sadness and happiness can coexist,but its not easy,not at all. But my heart tells me that interacting with her as a friend is more hurtful. Wishing you all the best You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. fatigue. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. A divorce hangover is an ongoing connection with your ex-spouse or former life that keeps you agitated or depressed, unhappy, and stuck in the past. There is so much I can be happy about now. This is a very profound article, it exactly mirrors how I feel about being divorced even 35 years down the line. I have tried to date, but it never works out. It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. It took him 6 years to make up his mind to go through with a divorce. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. You may have realized this after ten years; there is no need to worry, accept and take the challenge and be assured that in a short while, and pain will be past tense. This is a very good article. But that fact doesnt erase the sadness of having said I do to a man who is the father of my children, and who became a stranger to me. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. I had an amazing marriage, and I loved being a husband. Shelia sorry to hear about your story. Im also thankful that there were no answers in your message. I was told many times by her and our therapist that I was too attached, I loved her to much. My ex gave up her life,family and friends in another country to marry me 30 years ago. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. And then the pandemic hit. It will only increase the hurts and pains which will also affect your health. There are tactics you can use the get passed the pain, I promise. Well what I get out of it is I love her and hope and pray to the Lord that I get another opportunity with her since neither one of us are seeing or dating anyone after five years, And the reason why I dont trust other women is the result I got out of dating women the first two years trying to replace her which I could not I thought about her the entire time .The reason why I trust her is I created this mess and caused her to leave I was not the man I shouldve been . You need to remember that you still have a future. I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. },{ Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. You may have stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship for a long time because you were afraid of dealing with the changes that splitting up forces upon you. But I really related to the authors comments about how many family traditions especially holiday celebrations have been irrevocably impacted. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. It helped me process all my pent up sorrow since theres no one in my group of friends or family I would like to share this with. I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. Which is sad because we still get along, AOL and I. Im deeply sad about the while situation and got the whole just get over it speech from my therapist this afternoon. He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. However, in as much as the pain is there, its good to mourn but this should not take forever, one should get to know the way out and know how to get out of it, then move on. We met my freshman year of college and I truely feel that he shaped who I am today in the most positive way anyone ever could and then I left him. Why rock my boat. A word I'd wished for so long to hear. Instead, there is the story of the three of us together, of something in me irrevocably fractured, and I can only hope, less so in my sons. Mine left me after 40 years, for a woman 25 years younger. I have my kids back in my life. Deeply sad, and still in pain. This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. Do things you wish you would have done and still can do. Median duration of second marriages: Males: 7.3 years Females: 6.8 years. Sheila. All rights reserved. The betrayal is devastating. Sad. the pain is there every day . I cannot deny that when I hear echoes of family jokes that trace back to my childrens early childhood, I flash immediately to other days. I never should have married the guy in the first place, but divorcing him was just horrible. Grand children . I put together this: Ex- had removed $70,000 from her retirement account that never showed up in her interrogatory. I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didnt leave because something was wrong with us. Great article!!! Studio Firma/Stocksy United. OUR 2 sons are young men now, but I find it difficult to move ahead with my life. Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. I have truly tried to find out who I am. The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of . I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. We were supposed to do this together. Thank you for this article! Time does not heal all wounds. Ultimately, I support her decision. Come discover on this free, award-winning website the two secrets 250,000 parents have used to save their money, make their own decisions, and create their better futures. A ten-year marriage is also considered to be a long-term marriage by the Social Security Administration. Make a bucket list of places and things you want to do and see. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. ", My son sees a sadness every so often in me. When you hear the word "divorce," there are a handful of images that probably come to mindtwo adults arguing, a sad child stuck in the middle, and maybe even a contentious courtroom battle.But when a marriage ends, it's far more complex than that.For one, you may never even be in a courtroom with your ex, and secondly, there are some truly positive effects of a divorce that you may not have . If you do find yourself feeling depressed, do not feel like you are alone and please seek medical advice immediately. 22. The chances of you still loving your ex-husband or wife even after a divorce are high; you lived with this person and might even have thought it would work out for the rest of your lives. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. I would have been able to still respect him. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. I know what youre going through. I often hear wives say things like: "Sure, he's sorry . As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. I truly struggle for what was and more for the family and and life I once knew. Dont allow bitterness to rule I know it isnt easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. Pain can coexist with happiness. At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. Ray J and Princess Love are giving their marriage another shot. Heres the thing, what hurts the most for me right now is still not having found another love. I never realized you could love to much. It is 14 years since he walked out on 30 years of being together, 29 of those married, and he is now married to the woman he had the affair with. Couples counselling, yes, but half-assed. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. I dont believe staying together for child sake. } You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. Parent conflict is dangerous to children. I WAS MARRIED 30 YEARS When she left . So I hope and pray that she sees that Im a different man Ive worked on myself for five years and finally listen to the Lord and except no for a no from somebody . Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. "@type": "Answer", If you happen to go beyond such, then it will be presumed as the marriage was still in existence, and whatever abuse was there will always remain, and the pain of divorce at this point will never go away. My experience is the same as a husband. That was 5 years ago. from their father when they need us both. No anger but deep deep hurt. I googled this lingering pain. D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. Joanne, Thank you Joanne. What I learned: Never let your guard down entirely, and he or she with the deepest pockets wins. In the past 5 years I have gained more confident. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. He took the get out of parenting free card. Recognize this for what it is: A personal full-blown pity party. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. My life is so wonderful, so why the sadness; Im mostly content, why the emptiness? I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. The divorce was my idea. My separation began that same summer after 18 years of marriage. My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. Divorce can be hard on children but, equally, so can watching parents fight and endure a loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids.". I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. Maybe its her you shouldnt trust and other women, those whove not hurt you, you should give a chance. Articles like this are good- to open the dialogue that sometimes the pain of divorce doesnt go away or that time heals but we learn somehow to live with it and live a happy life where we can. Are men and women so different? My ex husband left our family 7 years ago for my (single w/2 kids) friend. We seek out love relationships so that we can feel love. Friendship is not what I want at all. I feel very lost again. Top 10 Mistakes Women Make After a Divorce Feeling like a failure. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. I am with a wonderful man now and I am happy, and still sad too. You see, every dream died with divorce, I was a stay at home mom and we entertained so often. I am glad I read this. My adult son came to live with me 20 years after his mother and I divorced. And yes, so much collateral damage. Agree. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. Esters comment summed it up beautifully. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. I still find myself falling into a funk in November and December, and then it takes all of January to get my feet back under me. to sleep to sleep poem from togo, what did george brent die of, dairies for sale in oklahoma,